Last year, I was invited to attend the Skoll Forum on Social Entrepreneurship in Oxford, UK. I was nearly drooling on myself the entire trans-Atlantic flight with excitement for meeting all of my social enterprise idols. My duffle bag was packed with business-like, yet quirky, clothing and I was ready to sell the excitement of Western Canada to an international audience.
Walking into the foyer of the Said School of Business, my mouth dropped and a sea of black and grey suited people greeted me. Hmmm, my quirky-self seemed to have missed the memo. What followed was three days of inspiration mixed with confusion. I wandered the halls, had conversations, but never really felt like I had a place. I looked on with envy at the clusters of small groups who had formed to change the world. I wasn’t sure where I was meant to be.
Coming home meant both a chance to reflect on content, but also to reflect on how I had shown up? The intentions I had to ‘present’ myself and ‘sell’ myself before the conference we based on what exactly? Perceptions I had of the crowd, of the folks I’d put up on pedestals?
In pursuit of trying to be interesting, I forgot to actually be interested.
A full year and a half later, I found myself preparing for the Social Capital Markets (SOCAP) conference in San Francisco. Again, I started winding myself up around the name of the attendees and their amazing work. I started thinking about my outfits and the bag I would take. The bag. Seriously?
It was in the midst of this thinking that my coach stopped me cold. “What are you interested in?”
Huh? I sat silently. Honestly, I’d gotten a bit bored lately. I read a lot of the same thoughts on the topics that I work within. Not much new. Nothing really cutting edge. Same examples used all the time. I found myself leaning towards topics way outside of my industry. And that, was pretty scary. What if I’d just spent a thousand dollars to find out that I don’t really care about this stuff anymore?
“What if?” my coach pressed on.
Certainly not the worst thing in the world, but a bit offsetting. What they hell have I been doing with all my time then? The framework shifted the entire way I showed up at SOCAP.
The panels that I sat in, I noted my interest. I wasn’t there to critique the players, but only to acknowledge when I’d mentally left the room. For likely the first time in my life, I actually did physically leave the room on certain occasions. Even in conversations, I felt when my energy was full and when it was forced. On one occasion, I left a small group, went to buy a book and came back to find out I didn’t miss a thing.
Focusing on my interest changed the entire way I have reflected on the conference. I felt so small and confused when I returned from Skoll. Upon return from SOCAP, I just feel like myself – no better, no worse – but more aware of where my interest lies and where it doesn’t.
