Today, I’m writing as a reminder to myself.
In early December 2010, I sat in my office at work. Everything was quiet and I was on the phone with my coach. He asked me, “are you going to be ready to leave and know that no one will notice”? “If you aren’t, then its time to start preparing internal accolades for yourself. Reflecting on where you grew, what you loved, & where you were challenged. You are going to have to be ready to leave and feel proud all on your own. Don’t wait for someone else to say it; it might not be coming.”
In the moment of that conversation, I thought I was ready. I wasn’t. And this is something I still work on.
The events of 2010 unfolded in my brain over the next few days. I saw the learning, the scares, the challenges, the high points, and finally, the breaking point. At that moment in December, there was nothing ahead. No academic fellowship, no follow up job, nada. Just the sense that I wasn’t in the right place – mentally, physically, emotionally – and I had to figure out how to get there.
My coach said, “The only one who needs to know is you. And you have to be okay with that.”
My last day in the office, to a job that I gave everything, was New Years Eve 2010. One person called, my just-former Board Chair to wish a Happy New Year and to wish me well.
Early in 2011, I made strong decisions about the state of my well being. I was approached by jobs and turned them down. I went to my first all-inclusive vacation, where I could literally do nothing. I let my brain be creative. I learned new technology. I allowed myself time for silence, writing and reflection.
When I finally came across a job that made sense to me, I took it. And I love it. I’m still there today.
If you saw the collection of these events externally, you might conclude a story to fit your narrative, not mine. I’ve had the cold shoulders, the raised eyebrows, and the “it’s a small town” thrown at me. But that’s your narrative of what happened.
And really, you’ve never asked me.
Today, a year and a bit later, the newspaper ran a blurb about some work I help with. The photo they used was from early 2010. It was a photo for an article I had agreed to for my former job, but shouldn’t have. The interview for the article was done on the day of my first ruptured ectopic pregnancy; I had already ruptured. The photo was taken three days after surgery when I was back at work. I said ‘yes’ to the opportunity before I had learned how to say ‘no’.
I was going to write this blog last night. When I saw the photo today, I wanted to remind myself, “the only one who needs to know is you.”