Mothering is an integral part of Motherhood. Each day, a significant part of my brain and body are devoted to ensuring the needs and wants of my daughter are met. I am wrapped up in her schedule, her drama, and her delights. There are days that I willingly do it, there are days when I fight it, but in all days I engage in the process of mothering. It takes all of me. And that’s the gig of Motherhood.
Last week, I started back at work, part time. I was happy to be welcomed and wanted back. Knowing my time would be limited I set clear intentions for myself on my role and priorities. Being excited to rejoin the team, I wanted to focus on where I’d give most value and where my expertise lay.
Throughout the week as the pace of work and amount of needs increased, my resolve to stick to my intentions started to diminish. Rather, I found myself in a productive “auto” mode – checking off my to-do’s, answering emails, and participating in meetings. The end of the week arrived soon. I looked at the many checkmarks on my to-do list and it was complete. I felt accomplished, and at the same time, unfulfilled.
I was exhausted. I felt like I had given much, but not met my own needs. Things were taken care of, everyone was fed, teeth were brushed, homework done, but this wasn’t my house and these weren’t my kids. So I admitted to myself, I mother in the workplace. I think I always have.
It’s not that I run around hugging everyone or allow for crying, but I take pride in being protective, in wanting to take care of the people and things in the organization. I don’t see it as a bad thing, but at present, it’s completely undoable. I’m already at my max.
The decision to return to work was completely selfish, it was to remove me (partially) from the constant need to mother my child. So it appalled me to find myself filling my “free time” by mothering in the workplace. I loved listening to the needs, involving in the drama, and helping solve issues. And that’s the problem, I like it and don’t really know much else.
So what then? That’s my challenge.
I’m in the market to discover a way to find greater fulfillment at work, by leaving most of the mothering for Motherhood and allowing for more self indulgence in the workplace.