It was really the Time magazine cover that encouraged me to make that decision.  I did not see myself reflected in that mother, her choices or her skinny jeans.
It was with this framing that I nearly said no when a friend offered to take me through the Circle of Security parenting program, with an attachment based approach.  I hesitated, but quickly realized that I probably could benefit from any type of parenting support.  In reality after the first “What to Expect” book, I’ve gotten pretty lazy at reading the books on my toddler’s development, or more honestly, my development as a parent.
When I’m feeling bad or insecure about my techniques, I Google the aliment to see what the Internet says. (Does my toddler watch too much TV?  Why isn’t my toddler eating?  What does a spider bite on a toddler look like?)  I’m lucky that the Internet will eventually say what I want it to say.  (TV is great, Goldfish crackers are nutritious, and spider bites are a-ok.)
For all of my hesitancy, Circle of Security challenged me to adjust my parenting to better relate to my toddler:
1.  It’s about connection.  Not attention.

When your toddler is screaming about wanting her binkie, coloring on the walls with crayon, or running into the street, she’s not doing it simply for attention.  She’s trying to connect with you and has been trying, and you’ve been missing the cue.  So now she’s brought out the big guns.

And really, is this much different from adults?  If I try talking or sharing my thoughts and am constantly interrupted, ignored, or sidelined you are damn right that I’m going to make some noise.

Humans want to connect, and regardless of why, as parents we are distracted (work, TV, finances, drugs, illness, spouses, travel, friends, partners) our kids need us to be in tune with their need for connection.

2.  Time out.  For you.

With my daughter just entering the two’s I had started contemplating the “time out”.  Where should we put the time out chair?  When should we start?  How will we time it?

But does it make much sense?

Will my two year old, feeling intense emotion, be able to 1) calm down, 2) sit down, and 3) take her two minutes to rationally analyze why she’s so upset?

My daughter is smart, but this is unlikely.

Rather, it’s my two minutes in the bathroom breathing out my rage and calming myself down that is needed.  Getting myself to a place where I can help her calm down and sort out her feelings.  Together.

3.  The fallacy of my pile of books.

During the long days of infant-dom, I would have all of my trusty books and Internet sources within reach at any moment to be able to analyze and deduce why my infant might be crying, not be eating, not be sleeping, not be playing, etc.

While my nose was buried in the book, I should have been looking at her.  Paying attention.

That is all.

4.  Anger.  I never really learned about that.

Parenting is learned from being parented.  Not everyone gets it all right.  Our parents are better at supporting certain emotions, not as great at others.

I was blessed to have access to expressing my joy, curiosity, sadness, and excitement.  What fell through the cracks was dealing with anger and shame.  And that was likely because my parent’s parents weren’t great at teaching their kids at handling theirs.

In my world, it was a lot of ‘don’t worry’, ‘mountains out of molehills’, and ‘don’t make a big deal’ – all techniques to help me move through the emotion and not let it stick.  But as we know as adults, sometimes it has to stick a little bit, for a little while so we can process it and move on.

It is not a surprise then that when my daughter is angry (when Bubble Guppies is over, when her binkie is missing, or when a cookie is not available) I have a hard time helping her process her anger and move on.

It’s a tall order to figure out how to do this (and explains why so many adults have anger issues).

I’m still not strutting around like the Time magazine mom, but I now have an inside track on where the helicopter parenting model is failing our kids.  For me, it’s these little insights where attachment theory shines its light.

 


This is not a sponsored or endorsed post.  Just my thoughts.

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